Churning. ( Ra'rhuk journal )

by minstrelofmyths Tue Apr 07, 2015 10:16 am

I was infuriated, rage had taken siege of my blood. This should not be, I was not in my blood presence nothing this strong should prevail. I believe I am broken. All these years, and it has happened to me as well. I've seen others go through it, the melt down, I've tried to prevent it. My search for something more tangible in sensation has caused it, now here I do not know what to do. How do the others function with the emotions turned on? What am I missing, that they do not? My mind frantically questions, and there is no cold frigid enough to abate it. Zor'din believes I am afraid.... I never did well with fear, while living nor in my current state. I have a sense of self preservation like I have not had before, frantic, desperation to continue intact. I cannot allow the others to know, they will end me. My uncle must not know. Shayna cannot know, I cannot risk it. If I am to be ended, so be it, but I want my last thoughts my last vision to be of Hisani's eyes. Shayna said it will take some time to prepare, I await her word she is ready. I am feeling time like I have not in a long while.

This wrongness came upon me in the north, in Zu'drak. Perhaps I had not found regrets but they had found me, dismantling my mental state slowly. I had returned to Northrend in search for a friend. In Icecrown I had searched alone for Tas but could not find her, apparently that was because the druid Varn had already and the rogue was on the mend. Yet I had taken upon myself to look over those desolate lands, those places that caused memories to churn. I was not in the right mind to find her, those first steps, I kept recalling those first confused hours that I had awakened in the state I currently am in.

They had thought me dead, carried me in the wagon, no breath I took, no heart beat, still I was when I arrived in the necropolis. I recall of the crazed desperation to live, upon opening my eyes. I could not feel below my chin everything was numb, useless, I kept trying to breathe through my own blood filling my mouth and nose. Zor'din was already there, speaking to me, as I tried to take in all I could see tried to escape from the table that held me. He told me I was going to hurt like I never had before experienced, to prepare my mind for what was to come next. They were slow about it my... torture. Delighted I was not yet dead, they took their time, in truly killing me to be raised. I would have fought if I had my limbs, instead I had my thoughts, my anger ridden will to fight against my enemy. I was incapacitated in my frame, but not my will, I snarled as I choked while they laughed at my misfortune. They could do their worst, and I would not break, I would not break. Then I felt it, the searing pain white light shook my vision, and I began to laugh. Laughing the face of my conquers, my agony, all that would be stricken from me. I thought I had enough will to fight it as I fought all else in life. In life I fought the easy road of temptation that my father had succumbed, I fought against the greed of power our nation held, I had fought against the opposing forces, I had fought for my right to stand amongst the ancestors with pride, I had fought... yet the irony over all that I had fought would come to a such a disgrace that I could not lift a single hand in defense, failing as my mind would be taken under into this new realm of pain. I could not escape by the hands of my enemy not one portion had been missed within all that pain and suffering.

I killed my own people laughing, I killed countless others of different races laughing at the irony at it all. I later led wagons filled of corpses to their final destination. I served, in the silence that was expected yet on the field of battle I laughed. Yet there are moments now if I think upon the mounds of churning dead I carried onward to the same fate as I held, many in which were later at my side in battle. I feel remorse that I had chosen them with my hand, with my mind that elected which were suitable not to be raised as ghouls but those able in body to be resurrected as I was. I had put many to face such irony of fates. Some I recognized from the fronts, I took their light from their eyes, I took their choice away with a point of my finger to have that light to gazes filled with something far more sinister. I sorted through the bodies, the nameless many, with my sight and finger I chose. I do not regret the deaths, I do not regret the slaughter in which I rendered bodies useless. I regret what choice I was granted while I served that point of my finger that doomed others to my fate.

My friends seem to have forgiven my past transgressions, yet I am certain there are those that do not, I cannot. I do not believe my loa would have forgave me, even if Zor'din attempts to justify it, I do not believe it. Yet this is I believe the root of the desperation I feel, this need to protect my friends. Brix'tul mentioned Kaz'kali was missing, that his home was charred which led me and the shaman Moj'akai to help him investigate the home. Elle had described the scene to look as if a mage exploded, it sounded worth giving the location a look over. Indeed it appeared charred and in a pattern, yet not akin to arcane. I did not know what to expect, Moj'akai suggested calling forth the element that had done this.

A Fel flame arose, small as it was it was not talking to the shaman. This angered me, it should not have, not to the extent I felt it. Magic, fel flame, it burns my flesh, chars it black, I cannot feel it, dull sensation can be felt, pressure but it is not the same as physical pain. I grab the being and by all that I could attempted to get what information that it had. It was not enough, Elsee, Kaz'kali being burned by it's influence simple imagery before I destroyed it in my rashness of anger. Moj'akai spoke of doing a cleansing of their home, but it did not give me the answers I desired. My thoughts to keep those I consider friends out of harms way, nothing more. The suggestion was valid, but I would not be present for such a thing. Perhaps it was all a lie, perhaps the flame was toying with me knowing it would be extinguished, but it would not have known what it had if that was the case.

My mind continued to attempt to unravel the mystery, yet that thought that perhaps it was a farce had me awaiting all night in the city to see if I could catch anyone that may know of their whereabouts. I remained at the tree, Yuanshi, and Mal spoke with me a while, and Ma joined our company. A druid night elf had been irritating me all day, just keeping out of reach, my frustrations had been building. Another thing I could not correct, I should not have indulged in such activities as socializing while in my state of anger. Yet, I attempted for a sense of normality, Tas arrived in good spirit, and wished to spar to prove her health. Again I should not have indulged, it was a moment that brought out smile or two. The result was that I owed her a dance. Ty'vek arrived speaking of a birthday party, that he would not be joining us, I awaited the others to join at the tree just in case Kaz'kali would arrive amongst them in hopes that all was well. Yet they did not arrive, and with Tas in her spirits and the others wishing to go the club I wished to oblige them, we departed. I was also supposed to be meeting the priestess to speak to her about my request later in the evening.

Arriving in Tanaris, I walked up on Elle and Brix'tul already involved in a conversation with the elf Valendil, who seemed to know much about Elsee. Such as tampering with fel magics, and her guardian mother being an forsaken, he kept speaking on it for some time even giving the location of their home in Orgrimmar. Zor'din was insistent that I stay to give Tas her dance, to not worry about it. But... that flare of anger consumed me. My friends was in danger, possibly kept against their wills. I had to investigate, I had to ensure I did all that could to see him alive. Waiting, dancing the hours away I could not do so willingly knowing that Kaz'kali may be... suffering. Overhearing the location, I had rushed to the residence not knowing what I would find. I could not let it go hearing the location of where Elsee resided at. I had to check, I had to search, I walked around the area, looking for signs and found none.

Brix'tul, Elle, and Shayna arrived shortly after, and we spoke on what was known and what was not. Then after a while, the elven gentleman that seems to make a perfect coffee brew for Elle arrived. Zor'din does not care that the elf has become my replacement as the supplier of coffee for Elle. He is quite in arms about whole display, and well his involvement in which he seems to be attempting to flirt with Elle in front of Brix'tul. He constantly points out Valendil's words and behaviors as being rude. I tend to have to remind Zor'din often that is not the case, he is simply expressing as elves expressed, Berries was our friend. My brother's personality is very debatable when it comes to Valendil, I do not know the reasons behind it or why he becomes agitated, it is simply present. I believe the male has the best intentions, just slightly jaded in personality due to life experience. Regardless, Valendil expressed that the home was warded, expressed that mother figure of Elsee was unstable, which brought into question more. Why was Elsee dabbling in fel flames? Valendil did not seem surprised, I have a feeling there is more to this then what I can see.
I could not enter the home by his words...

Both Brix'tul and I remained as the others dispersed. This deep pang was in my heart a mix of anger, helplessness. Brix'tul's brother was missing, possibly in danger. I feared for him.. No fear is not something I feel, in life, or now. It had to be something else. Brix'tul expressed that he should have looked for Kaz'kali sooner, and other should haves. I attempted to ease that upon him with reassurance that he had done the best he could, looking out for his brother, by coming to me, and the shaman with what had happened. That we all were doing our best by Kaz'kali. Yet that seeking anger looking for a target still brewed within. It was not fair, a door, a simple door with a ward upon it kept us away from rescuing our friends. Valendil said he had heard sounds within, why would they not answer? What was preventing them from exiting. With what I know of the unliving and their.... terms of entertainment. I did not believe it was anything pleasant. I was faced with allowing Brix'tul to wander and depart, yet.... I asked if he cared to attempt the door with me. I shielded myself and Brix'tul with a anti magic shell, now it would not cancel the ward but it would prevent us from taking damage. On the count of three, we rushed the door that was possibly warded with all we had. If my one my brother's had been within I would have done the same. I gave all that I had in the rush, put my shoulder into it, as did Brix'tul. Twice, and until I could hold the shell no longer did we strike at the wards that were unmovable. More questions, why such a warding? An honorable individual would not have spun such a complex warding to keep intruders out. Something, someone was inside that did not want to be found, nor investigated.

I allowed Brix'tul to depart but not without feeling that frustration. I could not help my brothers, my friends, those that accept me as I am. The irritation built, and it had no release. Moj'akai promised that we would cleanse the hut, we would research the situation more but it seemed like no answers would from anything then what was inside the home that Elsee resided in. Zor'din convinced me to leave it alone, I tried a few more times just in case it would give, but nothing, the warding was unshakeable. I did what I have to cool down, even my shroud frost is not helping me, I'm restless easily aggitated. I am losing my hold on the fabric of my stability, I do not know how to rein it in. I arrived at Brix'tul's and Kaz'kali's home while the shaman was already in a progress of summoning a element to help lead the way to help us locate Kaz.

We were walking following the spirit, and out of nowhere Kaz walked up, realitively unscathed. My emotions were having a tangent, confusion I was dealing with to decipher what I was feeling it is difficult, and more difficult of late as anger seems to rein above all others. I was grateful to see him, taken back but grateful he was speaking, was moving, was breathing yet there was that feeling I do not know what it is, I can't recall it well enough to explain it. The others spoke, the others informed, Brix'tul head butted, Elle tried to lead Kaz'kali away from Moj'akai as the shaman was speaking. Name calling was being thrown from Kaz, denile and dismissal of the concern of what the others had. I pointed out if he was well enough to go to a healer he was well enough to have the healer send word. He denied the existence of the fel flame, that Elsee had nothing to do with it, yet my mind had recalled Valendil speaking of Elsee known to play with such magics, and from the Fel flames display of just that something was off. But circles of denial, and arguments saying that the shaman had created the ruse, and other accusations, it was just infuriating.

I tried to speak of what another could be doing, that Kaz may infact be under the influence of another, that his lack of recall could be infact due to another using him for their own designs by messing with his mind. Other points, that could affect him as the undead are fully capable of manufacturing substances that can affect the living and those of my condition a like. I do not want my friend to become a victim of such, torture, to do things that he has no choice or will over. The debate and the denial seemed to be a residue of such a thing, especially as Kaz himself stated over and over that time had slipped away from him. I cannot protect my friends if they are unwilling to accept my help, anyone's help. I have grown frustrated, in my placement as it seems I have none.... I appreciated knowing he was in the condition on the mend, but if I would not be heard, if I cannot aid, if I cannot have the answers, I have no place. I was quite crass when dismissed once again, I could not talk in circles I cannot force another to be someone they are unwilling to be. I departed... angered.

Elle ran up from behind me and put a stop to my progress to get away from a situation that was not getting better. I am volatile and I spoke this, I am broken, I told her this, I do not have the tools to deal with what emotional drives are causing me to behave like, I tried to tell her and she did not seem to understand why I was upset. I cannot... I cannot be apart of helplessly watching a friend be manipulated by another. Brix'tul arrived shortly after, to ease Elle, I explained again to him as well. I just needed to get away so they would not be subjugated to my outbursts. I needed space. Somewhere I could think and to allow them time to be reunited with their friend. I need to vent my frustrations, I thought to speak with Shayna, but that too would not be fair, nothing I do when it comes to the living is fair them I came to realize. I should have kept my distance, I should have not been so involved the living do as they do, and my presence alone is disturbing enough for them.

Moj'akai found me... I am not close to the male as I am to the others but he is knowledgeable, quiet, and willing to help others regardless to how they treat him. He spoke to me of using the elements to aid me, I told him I do not believe they would work as I had been doing all I could to keep to my frost presence to stop me from lashing out. He spoke of Kaz'kali, being cleansed, and afraid. I had not thought of being afraid. I had thought of him being stubborn, defensive, agitated not fearful. I am not that familiar with fear with myself it is at times difficult for me to recognize in others. Depending on their behavior, Zinaji is obvious when he is afraid, so is my prey this confused me, so I confessed this to the shaman. Whom thought I was making it about myself, not Kaz'kali, I had to explain again that it was my short sightedness that could not figure out that Kaz had been afraid. Regardless, I believe it is best to distance myself further from the living because I bring undue fear their way. I am glad Moj'akai found no curse upon Kaz'kali, I am glad that Brix'tul is reunited with his brother. I am glad that all have their friend back. I believe I will write them all a note about my departure for a while until I have sorted my feelings out. Moj'akai suggested that a location of solitude would be best, and I believe I will take that advice as I do not wish to bring any more harm to those that seek my company. If I can be repaired, I will return.