Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction, brought it back. ( Ra'rhuk journal )

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Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction, brought it back. ( Ra'rhuk journal )

Post by minstrelofmyths on Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:19 am

I've been experimenting more frequently in my blood presence, without the use of potions to enhance the processes. I have found it's quite enjoyable and rememberable....

Not to say, the slaughtering didn't sustain the urges before, slow killing, drawing out the pain and suffering of my victims sufficed at tapering back the edges of irritation, and need. Now, however, I am thoroughly enjoying the kills, it does not need to take a long time, although the more the number the better I would have to say, I feel. It is a pleasant experience, something I look forward to. It is like something within is becoming aware, not as numb. I enjoy the game, I enjoy the motion, I enjoy the hunt like nothing before. Perhaps it is the intimacy, the swiftness, how close I am to those living souls in their final moment that has added new flavor to the moment.

The detriments, I cannot linger too long amongst the living as I once had in the city for extended periods of times. I am too aware, of their hearts beating, their breathing, their functioning. They tease my senses, and I find I become mischievous in my dealings, or perhaps instigating for their reactions. Be it laughter, sorrow, any emotion, I look forward not so much for their verbal responses, but their physical ones. Hanging on racing hearts, and catching breath in response to what I say or do. Yet it is never enough, the hunger to cause more is insatiable. I must remove myself from my friends company, or I begin to take the urges out on them in my mannerism before it becomes too much. I have found if I feed before arriving to the city it becomes more manageable, although the longer the I linger, my control on my temperament is not as stable as while in frost.  The other detriment, is the damage... I am not used to taking damage I have been recently, and my frame is riddled with discoloration, healing is required, it is a slow process unless I continue feeding. If once healed, I return to frost there is still that want to return to blood presence, so I can once again enjoy the kill. I have not determined if it is a side effect of remaining in blood presence too long, or just my own desire because I have not remained in frost presence for the extended lengths of time I am accustom to.

Example, of a possible side effect... As aforementioned, I took on the title of mate for Tas in case a male was bothering her. Now, my first intention was of honest friendship, then later it became a game just for the reactions, it is humorous as well tantalizing those cravings. Not that I intend on mating with her, that is purely a ludicrous idea. If other's believe we are actually mating, if they believe that, it is their short coming not mine. Even though she did mention other's in my condition having partners, that I am selling myself short in a potential, it is not something I desire in the least. I have no drive to mate, nor to cause a living individual to suffer as that in my company. Although I do admit, there are the drives deep within enjoys the idea when it comes to causing long term despair and suffering, my rational and remaining mortal coil denies it. I do find it stimulating to flirt, tease and to cause reactions, I cannot deny my curiosity in the short term.

Which brings me to Shayna, she is a female that can take a compliment, and return the flattery. She is a female of a bygone area, holding a rank, status, and class that comes with such position she holds. There are too few of these females left in this day and age. I enjoy the banter, I enjoy our exchanges. Yet she spoke to me saying she is fully aware my intent is only to cause reactions, not to acquire anything beyond that. This has greatly confused my friends, which is much to my enjoyment, yet it had lost it's flavor when Tas spoke on it. She believes that Shayna may have genuine feelings for me, which I will need to address. It was not my intent to cause... emotions. It made me rethink my dealings with females in general, although they are aware I cannot pursue the course it may in fact may cause conflict in emotional ties. I do not have the tools to deal with any such thing, it is a surface reflection of my past potential, not my current one.

It makes me ponder these things, which occupies the mind on idle moments. What is it that I put off to attract the living in general? For instance, with Kahlemai, in life I held no attraction to males, in death it is the same I lack any want or desire for a coupling with anyone, let alone a male touched in the mind as he is. Yet, he sent me letters expecting a reply.... why would I reply? I have no interest in dealing with him.There was that female the ice troll Zu, that proclaimed she could find me a willing vessel to procreate with her, if I would claim her as a mate. Why? What do they see in me? I do not have the potential to care for the living as they were meant to be kept if I find animals that need care, I give them to those capable of dealing with their needs. Warm affectionate embraces I have spoken are surface mimicking, my words of flattery they are not deeply meant, they are recited memorized lines of a past life. I cannot reclaim the past, anymore then Drakkari can take back Zul'drak. I carry the knowledge, but I cannot live as they would wish of me as that life is gone. No matter if I am well loved, it will not bring me back to life, nor could I return that depth of love in return if they just loved me enough, it is not that I won't it is because I cannot. I have thought on this a long time.... I have come to the conclusion the living enjoy the suffering, craving to feel suffering, as much as I desire to cause it in others.

They set themselves up to feel, only because they can. They have wide ranged emotions, different depths of them, they display physical wounds, as well as emotional ones constantly. It reminds of subservient wolves exposing their necks to those above them in rank, yet in the same moment they are well knowing the dominant one could rip out the jugular. They speak their stories, expecting emotional return... I cannot pity them, I cannot remorse for them, I cannot love them, yet they continue to come to me for support in this manner. It is not that I do not recall what it was like to be living, yet it lacks where they desire me to be for them. I finding myself saying things, out of my own morbid curiosity to cause them to react even if I know it will have negative effect as it is my nature to do so. To be as they wish me to be completely goes against my intended purpose. Although I try to rebel against it, it is still within to strive to cause more suffering. I am told I hold regrets....

Regrets... current, or past? Past regrets I plan on searching for to see if I can settle obsessions I find my mind locking on. A trip to my homeland to search the rubble for these fragments of emotion that I may hold onto. A regret would be something, something tangible, something to contemplate for hours to occupy my mind, to feel, to inspect, to discover, to find a purpose of, a direction. The living feel regret. I've killed countless numbers, but I am beyond the coil when it comes to killing. All those that have perished by my hand were under the passing judgement of the powers above and beyond me. A justification perhaps for these acts, yet nonetheless, I do not regret my use in those deaths.

My curiosity, and my drives to cause more suffering, I enjoy and perhaps upon reflection do regret. I do not control myself entirely. I was specifically, told not to speak to Elle on the situation with Brix'tul's ailment of Punch Mouth. Yet, I asked her about it anyway... It was only afterward that I asked her about it that recalled the request. A request by a friend. Although it was not disclosed as to how he had gotten the ailment, the conversation the way it was perplexing in behavior, the way Kaz'kali kept on it until the questions were directed on the source. I thought it was a minor injury, yet the more I examined and the way the conversation escalated it became clearer it had more meaning then a punch to the mouth. I have not seen either of the males in a few days due my new found hunting habits, nor Elle since a few days before that time. I could make excuses for my behavior, but I do believe it was simply due to my curiosity and heightened state of awareness due to feeding what can be described as blood lust that I narrowed in on Elle and asked her directly. My behavior and hers in response had rewarded those drives that sought to torment, if just for that flicker of a shocked reaction. She spoke on the topic in a frank and candid manner that she does, and my curiosity was sated quickly. I no longer had any questions, it was done with....

Perhaps it was regret that caused me to elect to invite those present to my pilgrimage to my homeland in a way to make amends. I know that my selections of locations to visit are not what those I consider friends care for, as it has been plainly spoken on many occasions that they are not what considered fun. I seem to lack that as well, I believe in life I was considered fun, although Zor'din debates me, anyone else that would attest in my behalf to it is dead. Ah, so when the waking hours are upon us, I am going to inform my employer and we, those that will be joining me will be ready to leave by afternoon. I wish to see Brix'tul and apologize out of courtesy and respect for our friendship, as well as inquire if they will join us in this departure to my native soil. It is early morning yet, and my employer would not appreciate a visit this early, perhaps another rather enjoyable hunt is due before the trip.
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minstrelofmyths

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Re: Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction, brought it back. ( Ra'rhuk journal )

Post by Tribeoftrolls on Mon Mar 16, 2015 4:31 pm

But satisfactory brought him back ahahaha!
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